The Crossroad Inn

It is Easter time on Myspace
and frankly no one gives a phuck
the’re off watching all the drama
that is surrounding Nip/tuck

Rotten Rob is up in Alaska
living with the polar bears
he hosts the north pole bloggers meets
and shows off all his photoshopped wares

Caroline is down at the courthouse
lodging legal documents
she may not have many dollars
but she certainly has got some sense

Tommy Blaze is in the studio
recording his latest comedy show
I wish I could go to see him
But its way to far for me to go

Crabby is busy being deleted
or doing all the deleting himself
and then he sneaks back in again
like a commando switched on stealth

Sarah’s dippity in dots again
Allison is on the rum with Jude
all the guys are perving on
I think its very very rude

Deana’s boobies are off visiting
peoples pages all on their very own
you know things like this wouldn’t happen
if her big girl bra’s were all hand sown

Johnny Udaho is out talking
and he’s off visiting cat zen space
They are drinking top shelf scotch and ice
and getting very much off their face

Mrs Claytons shining the silver
for an easter party high tea
becareful of the gatecrashers
they all are wanting somethng for free

The Poodley one is off visiting
the posh poodle parlour vet
they’ll clip her nails and do her hair
she makes a very poodley pet

The beasty boy is singing
and jamming on his drum
I’m sure it makes his dick go hard
just sitting there on his bum

Christine is off somewhere with Michael
I think they are polishing up their ring
did you know that they will be married soon
I bet she will be wearing lots of bling

I haven’t seen much of Coco
or lovely Madame Quita too
Maybe they are off somewhere together
and bitten off more than they can chew

Ruby’s on the blog talk radio
talking hip with miss lala
Kit kat is handing out the chocolate
Clark is listening to the blog hoo ha

Alice is dreaming dreams of Blunderland
and all that it contains within
don’t worry about the nasty phone calls
the caller belongs inside a smelly bin

Aero and Becki fight over bacon
over on The Jolly Mullets blog
all that pornographic piggery
makes a woody bunny want a flog

Mikes playing jedi warriors
and fighting raging christian men
I think the lions side is winning
the war of words and the poisoned pen

Chaddie is out in Lisa’s closet
trying on all those pink heeled shoes
there is so many styles and colors
which ones are a boy to choose



Jabs is out in front of the mirror
practising all his radio show lines
Im sure the phones will be silent
He is bound to have a heap of time

Gabbi’s off somewhere with Casey
and Gina’s blogging as a man
I heard that Sandie changed as well
and she even stood up on the can

Munch is chasing all the ladies
and lamenting older football games
he is what you call a footy fan
he knows the players by first names

Angelheartz is counting numbers
for the top ten blogs of this myspace
you know that if you not included
your not that known around this place

Harriet is thinking that she’s hateful
but she has got a real cute bum
Marge is soaking in palmolive
and Nicoles is playing with her gun

Deonne’s is whistling in the willows
and trying on her come fuck me boots
you got to love those stilletto heels
they make her look trim around her glutes

Momma Rose is out in Texas
with her handsome young strapping lads
I wouldn’t want to be mean to her
With those sons to deal with all the cads

Doug is busy at the hairdressers
he is trying on many wigs
it makes his ego lionlike
and ready to go off hunting pigs




Captain Josie’s sailing pirate ships
with an Awsome young one alongside
One of them is Australian
the other a body to hot to hide

PQ’s off chasing rollercoasters
and all the good fun bits in life
the girl is all of beans and hormones
and she is often knee deep in strife
 
Barbara’s busy with the camera
when nip moves out of the way
she really loves that front angle
and will pose for it all day

Sly has been arrested
They thought she been up to smoking pot
godamn it was such a great party
its a crying shame it had to stop

Chell is off to visit London
and I’m sure she’ll see the queen
and although she knows she made of wax
she has fulfilled yet another dream



Kat is confusing me as always
there is two of them around here
so forgive me if I get fuddled
but from both of you i like to hear

Lorrie is out in the counting house
counting all those star search votes
Stone Bryson was the winner
he deserves to have a little gloat

Jersey Girl is the original fokstar
she is friends with Doctor Debutante
everytime they enter the blogwars
they always type in a much larger font

Doc Merrkin’s out on his motorbike
off visiting Rick in big new york
Wolfie is the gracious host
and shes cooking up roast pork



Stephanies doling out to lovestrucks
scattered all around the land
shes telling them all about life
and how boys are not so grand

Rav’s chasing ginger puddytats
from underneath his sheeted bed
but you can guarantee no pussy
on the one who gives him head

Nurse Ratchet is planning adventures
I think shes off to visit Kate
for meets and drunken parties
I’m sure they’ll end up lifelong mates

Kimberley is writing her name out
it is a really long for that you know
by the time you finish the first part
it’s not riding ass that is gonna blow

Basil is blogging naked
and cheating his way around
he is fooling all those women
the word is out in mypsace town

Trixi’s off playing Miss McBimbo
Though I heard she’s really smart
always surrounded by the drama
and protected by a big red heart



Elfies showing off that tummy
and those wonderful lady abs
all the women get so jealous
elfie’s sore from the backstabs

Shirtless John is chasing jessica
and working out in the muscles gym
I’m sure that they will be playing games
when those nightlights go down dim

Joko is playing his ukelele
and staying up all night
he knows that in the morning
his eyes won’t open without a fight

Winky’s sexing up the photographer
out in old Las vegas way
watch out for Valerie Vodka
for in that area she likes to play

Dawn’s screaming at the school system
they have really let her down
fiona’s smiling over in England
Katrina’s show is on downtown

Arris is over chasing rainbows
and blogging issues to be aware
she entered melias rack contest
and all agree she has a nice pair

Eric brooks is in the photoshop
banging away next door to oz
you never know what they will do next
but be sure it will reach top pos



Mantana is being a big dickhead
but there’s nothing new in that
I heard he’s really stupid
and hangs off silent nation’s fat

Damn girl is swearing at the heavens
and crying damn this silly world
don’t fret about the haters
in cyberspace that you have hurled

Rosewine is conjuring up some poetry
Jodi may just enter it once again
who will win the month of March
the waiting drives them all insane

Yvonne and Linda are chasing puppies
I think Mikey needs a bath you know
the one thing about those furballs
is the rate that they bloody grow

Token is out assassinating characters
I hear his got a big freaking gun
just don’t go on out goin postal
stick around we will have some fun

Bobby is recording all his past sins
with Lec and Luna hanging to his word
you know that when you get to know him
he really isn’t such a turd



Snickles gritzing up the boardwalk
and waltzing off with rotten rob
anthro’s in new york with susan
RFA and Mish are crying about a Sob

Trippers locked away in prison
I know that easter visits there
this bunny sends to you a playboy
a sweet eyed blonde with a double pair






 and Mayet is way downunder
writing all this shit you see
You know now that this ole bunny
is nothing without little ole me

I’m busy thinking all of my dittys
in the hope you will get a laugh
the last thing you want this easter
is for me to make you wanna barf

and then there is all the commentators
of this myspace world of ours
I hope you know that without you all
we might as well be out milking cows


This Easter is for all of you
there is too many of you to name
I hope your wishes all come true
and you live a life of fortune and fame

Now we are nearing to my ending
and if I have forgotten you
know within my little beating heart
I love you all I really do





So if you think this is silly
Frankly I don’t give a fuck
you don’t always have to read me
there’s the classic faux king Mr Buck

All year long Santa is busy
watching all the girls and boys
working out which children
are deserving of Santa's toys

See Santa's toys aren't plastic
or the flesh and blood you feel
Santa gift is spirit
for the soul to take to heal

But some of Santa's children
have so little deep inside
that any ray of sunshine
they feel they have to hide

but Santa learned a lesson
all those years ago
that a smile can beat the hatred
and make spirit waters flow

 I went to pick Kahleah up from daycare early to get them all ready for the town's Christmas carnival. I walked in and the kids were down the back. I spotted Seth, Kahleah's "boyfriend" playing on the ground in front of me. Seths a handsome strapping three year old lad with Celtic dark red hair and hazel eyes. When his daddy and I are in the supermarket you will hear the two kids yelling from one end of the supermarket to the other, like a scene out of Romeo and Juliet meet buying groceries.

Seth : Kahleah Kahleah
Kahleah: Seth, its Seth. Seth where are you Seth
Seth: Kahleah I can seeeee youuuuuu
Kahleah: Look mummy it's Seth, it's Seth, it's my boyfriend I have to go and say hello.
Me: But darling we just said goodbye to him at daycare five minutes ago...

Kahleah pouts until I go up to Seth and his dad, we both sorta stand back looking uncomfortable.  (small country town, not good to be seen chatting (*rumours you know*) We just watch and wait until the two little ones are finished  gossiping about everything under the sun.
 
My mummies buying some milk
My daddies buying some bread.......
yadda yadda ... do adults sound like that to kids?

Anyway when I spotted Seth today at daycare, i bent down in front of him. he looked up and shoved a tupperware container bowl at my nose.

"Look it's an ant".
"Yes Seth it certainly is an ant", I answered when I finally focused on the microdot climbing around the bowl towards my left nostril.
"I think it's a mummy ant, what do you think", said Seth seriously, staring into my eyes and shoving the bowl closer to my nose, so that if I breathed in Seth wouldn't have an ant anymore and I would be well, choking on ant.
"Hmm it might be a mummy ant" I say watching as Seth bends down and put his bowl on the ground then get down on his hunches peering over the bowl.
"Do you know where your girlfriend is?" I asked, both of us still watching the microdot ant.
"Oh Kahleahs down on the slide near the sandpit" Seth answered without looking up, while raising his hand pointing down to where  could now see Kahleah, busy bossing some little blonde girls around.

The daycare girls were standing behind me watching and listening quietly and they all burst out laughing at the exchange. Its so It is funny to them all that Seth and Kahleah have this unbreakable bond at such a young age. To me it is just my kids. My special kids seem to pick up other speical kids.

Growing Up In An Outhouse




I grew up in a middle class family, in a middle class street in a middle class neighborhood. Most of our neighborhood at the time I was born back in the mid Sixties had had their toilet outside of the house. Australian outhouses were commonly and fashionably called "The Dunny". To get to the dunny in our case we would exit the back of the house, walk along the verandah and into the tiny room, which faced directly over into my next door neighbours backyard. Great for privacy, they knew everytime we went pee pee.


At the time we didn’t speak to our neighbours, our parent’s had falling out in a dispute over a bag of fruit, (pathetic) so my visits to the outhouse often bought ridicule from the three kids next door, who were all older than me. I was so embarrassed to step outside to go to my private business with what I felt was the eyes of the world watching me.


So I would peek out of the kitchen door first and check if the backyard was empty next door. If it was indeed empty, I would do a flying run out to the toilet and slam the door and literally hide in there. Sometimes though, this method didn’t work. My next door neighbor and later my best buddy and cohoot, would often hide down near her fence and as I did my flying run out the backyard she would spring up to the top of the fence like a jack in the box and yell out


Looking back now I can laugh but back then that public outting of my toilet habits was the source of many a night over the years spent begging and pleading with my parents for an upgrade to an "Inhouse".



The worse times growing up with an outhouse, were when the neighbours were having a great big party in their backyard, which they often did. Those times taught me immaculate bladder control. I would be too embarrassed to step outside because to be sure I would be greeted by howls of laughter as I vanished into the little room to do my business. My Overly active imagination would believe they could actually see through that door and actually watch me as well.

The really bad thing about the whole set up and especially when the neighbors were having yard parties was the risk that someone else would try and use the toilet while you were in there which would then expose you sitting on your throne with pants around the ankles, to about 50 Teenagers all drinking and having a merry time next door.
(I swear they used to have the parties just to watch our family travel back and forth to the loo all day)


Then we get to the seat itself. Did we have a simple plastic seat on our toilet? No we had to have one of those super duper heavy ancient Bakelite toilet seats. They were a pretty durable addition to the Australian "Dunny" back in the sixties and yet they didn’t last. They were replaced eventually and I know the only reason why. It was ONLY because those blasted bakelite toilet seats were so freezing cold in winter and I mean freezing. It would be agony to sit down on the seat and I would dream of a plastic seat daily in winter.


As I grew older I developed a knack of putting my hands face down on the cold seat at the front and sitting on my hands instead of the icy seat.



The room itself in the early days was very boring. I would sit there for hours (well it seemed so) and stare at the bland off white colored walls and the baby poop brown colored door. There was one tiny frosted slatted glass window, way up near the roof behind the commode itself and there was one frizzy oid toilet brush in a pale lemon faded bucket. Of course, being a slatted window meant the nice icy breeze blew right down those diagonal vents onto two already freezing cold exposed goosepimpled butt cheeks. The floor was cold cold smooth concrete without even a rug to keep the tootsies warm.


I devised a plan one day when I was around 11 or 12. I decided that it was high time the Dunny had a paint job and makeover. So after getting permission off Dad we went down to the hardware shop and bought some paint to "give it all a new do". The paint I chose was pink, a pale pink for the walls and a deep dark Cerise pink for the doors. It was a full gloss paint to because I hated the feel of flat paint on walls.


That pink would have been wonderful in a large bathroom, but in our tiny outhouse it was a disaster. A technicolor disaster at that. I could promise anyone a headache if they even sat in the room for five minutes after the pain job. As I grew and came home drunk with a hangover the next morning, the toilet color would remind me never to ever drink again. To his credit Dad did wait till I left home to repaint the outhouse back to the dull staid off white it orginally was.



But the worse memory of the outhouse involves my notorious neighbours and a freezing cold winter on what we used to call in Australia "cracker night". It was held in June each year and this story was set in one of the last years before household fireworks were banned in Australia. I guess this ditty was one of the reasons why. In the big packs of fireworks, would be long thin cardboard tubes labelled "ball shooters". These were the most popular to the "deviants" around the neighborhood, who fired the ball shooters at everything but the sky. The other popular fireworks were throwdowns but that is another story




Well this one year one dark night I checked and the coast appeared to be clear so I raced out to the toilet. Just as I raced along, my neighbor put her head over the fence and aimed something at me. The next moment, zap, zap, zap. Bright colored balls of gunpwder were exploding all around me and on me. I screamed and tried to run faster with my ear and hair on fire. I closed the door once I got inside and cried and cried. My clothes were all burnt and I was terrified but there was still the return journey back to the house to worry about. I waited. I waited in that damned toilet for half an hour hoping my parents would realize I was missing and come and look for me. I waited and waited to no avail.


Finally I was getting colder and colder and my burns seemed to be burning more and more skin off so I decided to make a run for it back to the house. The return journey was even more difficult as I had to open the wire door as well as the wooden door at the back of the house. I sat there gathering courage and hoping that she had gone inside and forgotten that terrorizing me was her favorite passtime.

I peeked through the keyhole into the blackness outside. I don’t know to this day how that could have helped, light looking out a keyhole into darkness is not a successful venture at the best of times. It seemed silent and dark so i decided to "do it". I took a deep breath and threw open the door and started to run. Out of the corner of my eye I could see a shadow move on the other side of the fence and suddenly whack whack whack, Whack Whack ouch ouch, I was being attacked from all directions. I hadn’t realised that while I was safe on my commode, my neighbor had called her older borther and sister outside as reinforcements and they were all lined up along the fence aiming those dreaded ball shooters at their terrified target.. Me.

Of course the door wouldn’t work and I was in such a rush to open it I nearly went straight through it. Finally I was inside safely and my mother was standing there in front of me looking rather quizzically at all the smoke rising from my scorched clothes and sniffing the air which was now thick with the smell of burnt singed hair.


I looked at her and just shrugged, we were used to the neighbors by now and I just said to her .. MUM when I grow up.. I am never ever going to subject my kids to an outhouse.... and do you know something..... I never have......

I walk out the back in the dead of the night
To the little dark room with a dim overhead light
I hurry inside and then shut the door
and pick up my book that sits on the floor

I pull down my pants and with a great sigh
And a rip and a tear I then let it fly
I stare at my book but find I can't see
I feel my insides are being stung by a bee

I moan and I groan and I fart and I roar
I'm sure they can hear me right over next door
As I sit on my throne I look all around
And snort a bit more as I add to my mound

I never knew really I had eaten that much
I swear to god on the food I'll not touch
I beg and I plead as I pass out my inside
As waves of great pain take me on a rough ride

I then look around as I finish my job
And in high distress I let out a great sob
I peer at the wall to the hang of a nail
Where sits the bum roll I bought at a sale

My face falls as fast as my poop on the mound
Suddenly I yell out in a deafening sound
Oh no please not me and not at this time
I've run out of paper with my butt full of grime

I look madly around while I squeal out loud
As gas from my pile rises in an odorous cloud
I look at the floor and I see that its clean
Oh when will I awaken from this very bad dream

My head goes all foggy and it shakes in a daze
I glance down at my book in a jack daniels haze
It was an old classic a leather bound Peter Pan
But it wasn't much help right here in the can

I yell out for someone for anyone to help
But no one answers not even my dog's yelp
With a great sigh I grimace and hug my book tight
Bye bye my baby but I need help with my plight

I close my eyes tight and grab hold of the book
And tear out the pages right through captain Hook
I pucker my bum and give one last push
And screw up my face as I rub at my tush

waves of pain wash over and tears fall from my eyes
it's shredding the skin off from my delicate thighs
I cry and I moan and sweat runs from my brow
I honestly feel I have given birth to a cow

It's time to stand up and go face the world
With a look on my face like it's dinner I hurled
I zip myself up and push down the pain
I think it's enough to drive me insane

 I start to exit with a much smaller stride
my cheeks squeeze together in agony to hide
With all of that gone I don't feel such a blimp
I start to walk out with a bandy legged limp

 

 

 

 

The warm spring afternoon breeze wafted gently around, blowing the strands of my long messy auburn hair around my face. I ignored it. I was sitting up in the Figtree engrossed in my latest Alistair MacLean novel and I didn't move an inch, until finally the sound of my mother calling me in for dinner pierced through my foggy consciousness. I slowly dragged myself back from the Russian Submarine encounter I had been reading about and looked around me for the first time in what seemed to be hours.

 We lived in a standard three bedroom house with a single garage in a city suburb. There were houses each side of us and behind as well as across the road. Our own property had sturdy side fences and gates that were always shut, keeping the front and back yards separate. The yard was lined with some trees near the back fence and right up in the corner, where I could almost imagine I was in another world, was my Figtree.

 I grudgingly climbed down the tree and walked down the yard into the kitchen and sat at the table, facing out towards the back yard, my lamb chops and vegetables already set out in front of me. The back door had been left open to allow the breeze to freshen up the house, which was thick with the aroma of mum's cooking. Mum and dad came and sat down opposite me and Cathy was sitting near the wall facing the stove. All was quiet as we began to eat our food.

 Dad believed in eating and no talking at the dinner table. So mealtimes were always quiet and boring as far as I was concerned and I would pick at my food, staring out the back door, longing for it all to be over so I could go back outside and explore some more.

 I tackled my chops with my knife fork and looked outside as I chewed my food and contemplated life. Then the most amazing odd and bizarre event happened.

 

An Emu ran along my backyard in front of my swing set.

 

I blinked and shook my head and looked again. It was still there. My mind struggled to grasp what my eyes had seen. No way. Emus are wild, this is a city and this is a locked gated backyard. The sensible fairy jumped on my shoulder chattering away, denying what my eyes had seen.

 "Umm dad" I said, "An Emu just ran across our backyard".

 Dad looked up at me with a frown on his face, oblivious to the scene unfolding behind his back.

 "Will you just eat up and be quiet". He said.

 I didn't blame him, I was the one that had seen the Emu and I wasn't sure whether I believed it either.

"No dad, turn around, there is really an Emu in the backyard".

Mum raised her eyebrows and glared at me, as if I was making up stories and went to silence me again but curiosity and the dumbstruck look on my face caused Dad to turn and peer out the back door into the late afternoon sunlight.

 
There staring back at him, not six metres away was a huge rag tag, exhausted looked scared Emu. It just stood there, staring and panting, with it's huge eyes blinking warily at us. Dad and I both started to stand up and all of a sudden two men ran across the backyard towards the Emu, who of course bolted towards the side fence. Hot on their heels followed a fat out of breath, grey haired police sergeant with a young eager eyed rookie constable tagging by his side.

 

By this time mum had poked her head around the door to see what the commotion was and then promptly screamed when she saw the hive of activity in the yard. More people began wandering in the side gate and spilling into my backyard. I ran to the front window and was amazed to see police cars, fire engines and about fifty cars pulled up outside in my suburban street. People came piling out of the cars and out of the houses around us and they all streamed on into our backyard, where the Emu was by now backing into the corner with a terrified look on its face.

 My next door neighbor Kylie, who was a close friend of Cathy's and Mine, stood at the side gate greeting the people streaming into now opened side gate with her usual classic dry humor.

 "welcome, come right in ladies and gentlemen, make yourself at home. Cup of tea and cookies while you are here?" I don't think they quite appreciated her dry sarcasm. They stared at her blankly and keep on streaming in.

 In the kitchen our meals were left uneaten on the neatly laid table, Mum and dad had moved over to the kitchen window to get a better view of the proceedings and Cathy had long since disappeared into her bedroom, probably hiding under the bed by now, as far away as she could get from the Emu. She hated them. I grabbed my old camera and walked out the back, deafening myself to mum and dad's half hearted attempts to call me back in.

 I called out to Kylie over near the side fence as I walked out. 'Doesn't seem to be working, try charging them a dollar each admission".

 By now our backyard was absolutely trampled and distinctly overgrown with police, fire officers and hundreds of sightseers everywhere. All of those sightseers had one mission, to see the apprehension, arrest and takedown of one sore sad sorry assed Emu.

 The two police lined up the Emu in their sites around the clothesline, that still had mum's towels wafting around in the breeze and they charged. The Emu stepped sideways and hopped off to the far corner of the yard as the police landed in a heap with half the towels torn off the line and scattered around them on the ground.

 I had a big smile on my face at the whole event. It was surreal, one minute I was sitting eating my dinner in peace and quiet and now the next, there was more action than on an Indiana Jones Movie Set.

 The police got up from the ground and with added determination from the embarrassment of being outsmarted by a bird who can't even fly, set off towards the Emu who stood shaking with his head darting around for an exit.

I watched the Emu and saw his next move as he did. The police moved towards him and I grinned as he turned and quickly jumped over the wooden fence that separated our yard from our neighbors.

 Next to the fence with a gap of only about a meter was the neighbor, Mrs. Morgan's garage. It was old hat for me to jump on top of the fence and shimmy along a bit until the roof was in easy reach and I would climb on their garage roof. Mrs. Morgan and her unmarried daughter were quite accustomed to me poking my head over the other side of their garage and saying hello to them down below in their garden.

 So here was the Emu, stuck in the gap between the neighbors garage and the side fence, with only his head visible to everyone in my backyard, his beady big eye peering at us all rather angrily by this point.

 The police jumped in front of the garage and started moving up the gap towards the Emu, thinking they had him trapped when I called out to them. They stopped moving and I quickly explained that if he turned and backed up the other way towards the back corner he could easily escape up the back neighbors yard to the next street and traffic chaos.

 

I ran to the corner and jumped to the top of the fence and squeezed through the gap. It was too small for an adult to even contemplate and I grinned as I thought of the fat sergeant trying to attempt it.

 
The Emu turned his attention to me as I started waving at it. The two police officers stood out of sight at the front of the garage and the crowd lined up on the fence like they were watching the latest play at a football match. And that is exactly how it played out

 

The Emu made a kid of chortling sound and turned tail to me and made his run toward the front of the shed. The two policemen made the grab for him, the fat sergeant was just way to slow and ended up grabbing dust but the younger officer managed to get hold of one leg as the Emu ran passed faster than the road runner with the Coyote up his ass.

 

It didn't seem to deter the Emus progress, he kicked out and kept running down the yard towards the street, dragging the police officer with him.

 

In sight was his exit to freedom but just as he lined up his final dash, a group of fire fighters ran in the front gate and piled on the Emu in a rugby tackle and scrum that the great Australian legend Wally Lewis would have been proud of.

The poor Emu struggled hard and got a few good kicks into the guys holding him but eventually the young officer reached down to his belt and after a minute or so managed to get his handcuffs around the Emus legs.

 One of the fire Officers then threw a sack over the Emus head and they continued to truss him up with some rope. A couple of fire Officers were almost sitting on him to hold him still and the Sergeant by this time had back his police paddy wagon up to the driveway and opened the rear.

 I heard Kylie yell out behind me "Did you read him his rights" and there was a snicker amongst the crowd which had now split, with my back fence still lined with people and even more spilling out in the street around the fire truck and police van.

 The police picked up the Emu, by this stage I had got some beaut photos with my old camera and I was right beside the Emu as they walked him down and tossed him in the back of the wagon.

 

The crowd slowly drifted away, the sounds of doors slamming and motors starting up replaced the crowd excitement of the Great Emu Takedown. My back yard was soon left empty again, with only the masses of footprints and torn up turf to signal that anything so odd had ever taken place.

 That was when the curiosity that was my afternoon was explained. A few miles from where I lived on the escarpment, was a tiny native animal park. One of the Emus had made a giant bid for freedom and escaped to travel through peak hour outskirt city traffic, and four suburbs to my place.

 The police and emergency services had hundreds of calls out to it, two minor accidents had occurred from motorists trying to avoid it, a helicopter had been called out to respond, traffic had been stopped on two major routes and the poor Emu ended up a bit like the pied piper of Hamlin with a stream of cars and vehicles following him in lineup formation throughout his various wanderings, detours and sidetracks and quite a few miles of humanity and concrete hell.

 And he ended up in my backyard. To this day I look back at that mild spring afternoon, I can still picture myself sitting at that table, feeling the breeze on my face and I can still remember the shock registering as that Emu ran across in front of my eyes. Nothing more bizarre could have taken place at that moment in time than did occur.

 I stood speaking to Kylie for a moment before going back inside. She was laughing as much as I was and showed me the four dollars that some stupid idiot had given her when she stood at the gate jokingly calling out for $1 per person admission to my backyard. This cracked me up even further and we both shook our heads we left the now quiet yard to go in our respective houses.

I walked inside and sat back at the table. Cathy appeared from her hidey hole in the bedroom and sat down. Dad was already seated and mum placed our reheated food in front of us rather shakily. We ate in silence, each lost in our own thoughts. There was nothing to say. What could you say, though I kept one eye out in the backyard at all times after that day. You never know what is going to wander in the side gate.

The Day I lost My Virginity – A waxy tale of the first time.

 

Do you ever get sick of shaving, day in and day out, month after month year after year?

 

Yeah me too

 

I was sick of it. Sick of shaving.

 

I was sick of shaving rashes that looked like you had been sliding around on gravel

 

I was sick of blunt razors that seemed to take half your skin off with one foul swipe.

 

I was sick of spikey re-growth

 

And I was sick of it looking like I hadn't shaved for a month just two days after shaving.

 

So I started looking around for alternatives.

 

I tried a few options one of which was burning the hairs off with a cigarette lighter.

 

Now that was all well and good for toe hair. Yes I admit it, I get three fuzzy blonde hairs on my big toe.

 

But there are parts of my body which I wish to be hairless that are, how should we say.. much too delicate to take a cigarette lighter anywhere near.

 

I really don't fancy burning my armpits.

 

Next.

 

I tried hair removal creams.

 

That didn't work. I was allergic to them, all of them. I came up with huge red lumps which Helen Keller could have used as classic Braille examples to demonstrate and it was so itchy that I could have taken a hair brush to it and rubbed away furiously.

 

I was running out of options fast.

 

So I decided to step off the abyss. It was time to venture where fools step and angels fear to tread.

 

It was time to think about waxing.

 

So far I had avoided even thinking about wax. To be perfectly honest slathering wax on my bits and then savagely tearing off agonizing strips of hair and my skin, just didn't appeal to me. But drastic times call for drastic measures. I'm not one to be bothered much by pain, hell I have six kids. Surely waxing couldn't be too bad.

 

So off I wandered to the local priceline pharmacy to get me some wax.

 

I walked in and looked around and of course I had no clue so I had to walk up to the snotty blonde makeup assistant with the college degree and ask her where the waxes were. Without even looking up from her deep inspection of her fingernails, she vapidly wafted her her other arm in the general direction of one of the aisles.

 

So off I set. Well I soon found the waxes, hundreds of them, all sizes and descriptions. I never knew there was so many types of wax, it seemed there was a wax for all occasions.

 

In no time at all I was sitting, mid aisle surrounded by a semi circle of various wax boxes as I examined each one

 

Soft wax, hard wax, coloured wax, organic wax, super duper wax, sex wax .. ok that one wasn't there but I always get a laugh out of Keanu Reeves and Sex wax surfboard wax in Point Break.

 

I was lost in a sea of wax and I had no clue. I wanted an all over wax. One I could use on my legs, my toes, under my arms and my bits.

 

 

99% of the waxes specifically stated "not to be used on bits" so my pile soon dwindled to about 30 waxes to choose from and I was even more lost than when I had first stepped foot in the door.

 

I peered up to the end of the aisle where I could see bimbo still examining her fingernails.. hmm maybe she was really a wax doll from Madame Trassaurds and not human after all.

 

I sighed and got up from the floor, lined about 20 waxes up on a shelf, leaving the rest still on the floor and walked up to her once again.

 

I waited until she had finished examining her pinky fingernail and said

 

"Umm excuse me I am lost. I am looking at waxes and do not know which one is suitable for what I want it for".

 

"She looked me up and down, screwed up her nose and grimaced. "I suppose you want a leg wax do you".

 

Well you all know me by now and I didn't take to well to the condescending tone so I answered her rather sweetly back with a chessy smile.

 

"No I need a box and bits wax please".

 

I was satisfied to see her composure drop along with her mouth for a moment before she turned on her heels and stomped up the aisle towards my wax pile. She stopped with her hands on her hips and without even glancing at my carefully lined up selections, swept them aside in one foul swoop, reached up to the top shelf and picked up the largest and most expensive wax on the shelf.

 

She placed it in my hands, "This is the only wax for THAT" and with THAT she turned tail again, marched off back to her counter and before I could even look down at the product in my hands was busily occupied examining those fingernails yet again.

 

I sighed and shrugged, oh well, try anything once.

 

I looked at my pile of waxes, lying discarded on the floor and grinned.

 

"Oh dear I hope she doesn't break those precious nails putting them all back neatly on the shelf" I thought, as I walked up to the payment counter with my precious package of gold …. I mean wax under my arm, along with the 25 dollars to pay for it..

 

I arrived home and waited for the opportune time to start my big wax on, wax off event. After dinner I settled the kids down for a movie in the lounge and snuck off to the kitchen to heat the wax up in the microwave and then troddled off to the bedroom to prepare.

 

I stripped off naked and sat down on a towel with my little pot of wax in front of me and read the directions. Opening the lid I was assaulted by the rather strong aroma of orchids, which would have been much more pleasant in half quantity scent only. I looked down and thought immediately of purple bubble gum as I stirred the mass in the pot.

 

Ok this seemed pretty easy, I thought. So easing myself into the whole wax experience, I started off by smothering my legs in the warm purple goo. I grimaced as I tore the wax off and looked down to see the result.

 

WOW

 

 

 

It was amazing and I soon figured that it wasn't THAT painful if you closed your eyes really really tight, counted to three and on the count of two ripped it off with great speed and force.

 

The wax was so stringy, it was much worse than trying to get fairy floss cotton candy on a stick at a fair. There was strings of wax and gloops all over. In my hair, between my toes, on my fingers, under my fingernails…. Ah haa that was why bimbo was so fascinated with her fingernails.. she waxed last night…

 

 

 

It wasn't long before I had a little pile of discard purple globs with spikey brown hairs stuck in them at one end of my towel. By the time I finished my now stunning legs, the wax had started to cool dramatically so I put my kimono on and went to reheat it in the microwave.

 

 

I can be blonde at times

 

 

After returning to the bedroom, I stripped off the kimono, stirred the now soft wax, lifted my leg and placed it on my recliner and smeared a great gloop of waxdown the side of my bits.

 

 

EEEEEEEEEEEE YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYOOOOOW

 

 

Hot Hot Hot.. Burning burning. Hot Hot HOOOOOOT

 

I had reheated the wax according to the direction forgetting completely that there was now only half the wax that was in the jar in the first place. Overkill.. can you say boiling wax….

 

Tears poured out of my eyes as I screamed and started hobbling madly around the room bandy legged and by this time all waxed together.

 

Ouch Ouch Ouch Hot Hot Hot.

 

Of course the commotion I made was enough to wake the dead, so my husband and kids came running into the bedroom at full speed to see what was killing their mum only to find a naked woman hopping around on her toes with purple wax globules dripping off her bits, screeching and jerking around worse than an Indian at a pow wow dance.

 

They laughed.

 

And laughed. I was in so much pain and they sat there and laughed at me.

 

And then they laughed some more as they exited the bedroom and returned to their movie…….

 

still laughing.

 

I could hear them still chuckling as I peeled the now set wax off my bits and padded my now red bits with a soft fluffy towel which promptly stuck to me, leaving bits of fluff ground in with wax that I would be removing for weeks to come..

 

I did end up completing my "wax job" and by the time I had finished and admired my now smooth skin I was already marveling about Murphy joining me on my first waxing.

 

He is there for all the great events of my life after all. A true baptism of fire.

 

 

and before I leave you, hopefully smiling for the day I just want to show you one of my pics of my daughter Shay.. I love Eyes and my kids are my best subject..

 

 

 

as a footnote and inresponse of the comments. I wax all the time now. Wouldn't swap it for the world but there is one trick that I didn't know back then that could have saved me.

 

Before waxing gently rub in a layer of talcum powder in the area you are going to wax. This stops the wax sticking to the skin and leaving it red, sore and irritated. It also stops the messy bits of wax that stay behind and clog the pores for weeks afterwards.

This little bit of info is gold. You have no idea of the difference that will make. To all those who tried and were unsuccessful and red and sore.. try it with the talc trick.. It will work

 

There is also great products available as wipes or sprays to spray on afterwards to stop the hair growing back ingrown which it is prone to do.

 

and yes that is the brand and actual jar used. It really is the best, however I have learned to also take two extra flat bladed butter knives with me to negotiate the wax mess with the stick.

 

Waxing rocks. I wouldn't go anywhere else now.

 

 

Just lately I have noticed a new cult - fad - trend spring up around the Internet and spilling over into reality land.

"the cult of the bitches".

 

Well before I even think about applying I best wander off to get the exact definition of "bitch" so that I can work out if I at least stand a chance of being admitted to this new found Bitch Hood craze.

A bitch is a dog........OMG  a slobbering, smelling, flea ridden dog that barks, bites and leaves their smelly shit around everywhere..... I'm not liking this bitch idea by this point.......

A Woman

 

 

A woman is soft and curvaceous. Warm and giving. Hot and sensual.

;

A woman is a nurturer and fiercely protective of those she loves.
A woman is a lioness and a kitten.  
A woman is a mother, a partner, a lover, a wife, a daughter, a gran, aunt, cousin,  & a niece.

A woman is kind
A woman is Firm
A Woman is  friend
A woman Cares

A woman can accomplish success in whatever she turns her hand to.
A woman is full of passion and ecstasy.
A woman is sleek and sexual.  
A woman listens and helps others.

A woman is strong.
A woman is capable.
A woman is smart and intelligent.
A woman can multi task and think quickly and react with speed.
A woman is powerful with resilience and endless amounts of stored reserves.
A woman never gives up and keeps on going onwards and upwards.

A woman feels deeply, emotionally and can express those emotions.
A woman helps and is helped.
A woman aids and a woman supports.
A woman desires and is desired.
A woman wants and is wanted.

A woman is who SHE wants to be
A woman does what SHE wants in life.

A Woman supports the dreams and hopes of those around her.
A woman walks tall with pride and yet is humbled by the universes magic.
A woman knows her assets and realizes she has flaws.
A woman accepts herself, flaws and all.
A woman enjoys life and enjoys others.
A woman is enjoyed by others.

A Woman Sees
A Woman Feels and Touches
A Woman Scents
A Woman Speaks
A Woman Listens

 

A woman is warm, compassionate, curious with an unquenchable thirst for life.
A woman is a delight.
A woman feels pain but still carries on.
A woman gets knocked down but still stands back up time and time again.

A woman hurts, a woman bleeds but a woman heals herself and others.
A woman knows how to give and a woman knows how to take.
A woman is knowedgeable.
A woman remembers.
A woman forgives and forgets.
A woman is staunch.
A woman respects and is respected.

A woman is nice but knows when to stand her ground.
A woman stands up for what she believes in.
A woman defends her family and friends.
A woman knows when to create and when to destroy

A woman is artistic and creative and intuitive.
A woman uses logic and reasoning.
A woman is spiritual.
A woman cares and is cared for. .

 

A woman is fresh as spring, burns like fire, as cold as ice and floats like the wind.

 A woman loves and is loved.

A woman is many Scents

A woman is many Colors

A woman is cuddly

A woman creates new life from within.
A woman accepts others for their uniqueness.
A woman defends her friends and holds friendship in high regard.

A woman Achieves

A woman is a pearl

A woman has many facets

 

A woman is proud to be a woman