The Crossroad Inn

It is Easter time on Myspace
and frankly no one gives a phuck
the’re off watching all the drama
that is surrounding Nip/tuck

Rotten Rob is up in Alaska
living with the polar bears
he hosts the north pole bloggers meets
and shows off all his photoshopped wares

Caroline is down at the courthouse
lodging legal documents
she may not have many dollars
but she certainly has got some sense

Tommy Blaze is in the studio
recording his latest comedy show
I wish I could go to see him
But its way to far for me to go

Crabby is busy being deleted
or doing all the deleting himself
and then he sneaks back in again
like a commando switched on stealth

Sarah’s dippity in dots again
Allison is on the rum with Jude
all the guys are perving on
I think its very very rude

Deana’s boobies are off visiting
peoples pages all on their very own
you know things like this wouldn’t happen
if her big girl bra’s were all hand sown

Johnny Udaho is out talking
and he’s off visiting cat zen space
They are drinking top shelf scotch and ice
and getting very much off their face

Mrs Claytons shining the silver
for an easter party high tea
becareful of the gatecrashers
they all are wanting somethng for free

The Poodley one is off visiting
the posh poodle parlour vet
they’ll clip her nails and do her hair
she makes a very poodley pet

The beasty boy is singing
and jamming on his drum
I’m sure it makes his dick go hard
just sitting there on his bum

Christine is off somewhere with Michael
I think they are polishing up their ring
did you know that they will be married soon
I bet she will be wearing lots of bling

I haven’t seen much of Coco
or lovely Madame Quita too
Maybe they are off somewhere together
and bitten off more than they can chew

Ruby’s on the blog talk radio
talking hip with miss lala
Kit kat is handing out the chocolate
Clark is listening to the blog hoo ha

Alice is dreaming dreams of Blunderland
and all that it contains within
don’t worry about the nasty phone calls
the caller belongs inside a smelly bin

Aero and Becki fight over bacon
over on The Jolly Mullets blog
all that pornographic piggery
makes a woody bunny want a flog

Mikes playing jedi warriors
and fighting raging christian men
I think the lions side is winning
the war of words and the poisoned pen

Chaddie is out in Lisa’s closet
trying on all those pink heeled shoes
there is so many styles and colors
which ones are a boy to choose



Jabs is out in front of the mirror
practising all his radio show lines
Im sure the phones will be silent
He is bound to have a heap of time

Gabbi’s off somewhere with Casey
and Gina’s blogging as a man
I heard that Sandie changed as well
and she even stood up on the can

Munch is chasing all the ladies
and lamenting older football games
he is what you call a footy fan
he knows the players by first names

Angelheartz is counting numbers
for the top ten blogs of this myspace
you know that if you not included
your not that known around this place

Harriet is thinking that she’s hateful
but she has got a real cute bum
Marge is soaking in palmolive
and Nicoles is playing with her gun

Deonne’s is whistling in the willows
and trying on her come fuck me boots
you got to love those stilletto heels
they make her look trim around her glutes

Momma Rose is out in Texas
with her handsome young strapping lads
I wouldn’t want to be mean to her
With those sons to deal with all the cads

Doug is busy at the hairdressers
he is trying on many wigs
it makes his ego lionlike
and ready to go off hunting pigs




Captain Josie’s sailing pirate ships
with an Awsome young one alongside
One of them is Australian
the other a body to hot to hide

PQ’s off chasing rollercoasters
and all the good fun bits in life
the girl is all of beans and hormones
and she is often knee deep in strife
 
Barbara’s busy with the camera
when nip moves out of the way
she really loves that front angle
and will pose for it all day

Sly has been arrested
They thought she been up to smoking pot
godamn it was such a great party
its a crying shame it had to stop

Chell is off to visit London
and I’m sure she’ll see the queen
and although she knows she made of wax
she has fulfilled yet another dream



Kat is confusing me as always
there is two of them around here
so forgive me if I get fuddled
but from both of you i like to hear

Lorrie is out in the counting house
counting all those star search votes
Stone Bryson was the winner
he deserves to have a little gloat

Jersey Girl is the original fokstar
she is friends with Doctor Debutante
everytime they enter the blogwars
they always type in a much larger font

Doc Merrkin’s out on his motorbike
off visiting Rick in big new york
Wolfie is the gracious host
and shes cooking up roast pork



Stephanies doling out to lovestrucks
scattered all around the land
shes telling them all about life
and how boys are not so grand

Rav’s chasing ginger puddytats
from underneath his sheeted bed
but you can guarantee no pussy
on the one who gives him head

Nurse Ratchet is planning adventures
I think shes off to visit Kate
for meets and drunken parties
I’m sure they’ll end up lifelong mates

Kimberley is writing her name out
it is a really long for that you know
by the time you finish the first part
it’s not riding ass that is gonna blow

Basil is blogging naked
and cheating his way around
he is fooling all those women
the word is out in mypsace town

Trixi’s off playing Miss McBimbo
Though I heard she’s really smart
always surrounded by the drama
and protected by a big red heart



Elfies showing off that tummy
and those wonderful lady abs
all the women get so jealous
elfie’s sore from the backstabs

Shirtless John is chasing jessica
and working out in the muscles gym
I’m sure that they will be playing games
when those nightlights go down dim

Joko is playing his ukelele
and staying up all night
he knows that in the morning
his eyes won’t open without a fight

Winky’s sexing up the photographer
out in old Las vegas way
watch out for Valerie Vodka
for in that area she likes to play

Dawn’s screaming at the school system
they have really let her down
fiona’s smiling over in England
Katrina’s show is on downtown

Arris is over chasing rainbows
and blogging issues to be aware
she entered melias rack contest
and all agree she has a nice pair

Eric brooks is in the photoshop
banging away next door to oz
you never know what they will do next
but be sure it will reach top pos



Mantana is being a big dickhead
but there’s nothing new in that
I heard he’s really stupid
and hangs off silent nation’s fat

Damn girl is swearing at the heavens
and crying damn this silly world
don’t fret about the haters
in cyberspace that you have hurled

Rosewine is conjuring up some poetry
Jodi may just enter it once again
who will win the month of March
the waiting drives them all insane

Yvonne and Linda are chasing puppies
I think Mikey needs a bath you know
the one thing about those furballs
is the rate that they bloody grow

Token is out assassinating characters
I hear his got a big freaking gun
just don’t go on out goin postal
stick around we will have some fun

Bobby is recording all his past sins
with Lec and Luna hanging to his word
you know that when you get to know him
he really isn’t such a turd



Snickles gritzing up the boardwalk
and waltzing off with rotten rob
anthro’s in new york with susan
RFA and Mish are crying about a Sob

Trippers locked away in prison
I know that easter visits there
this bunny sends to you a playboy
a sweet eyed blonde with a double pair






 and Mayet is way downunder
writing all this shit you see
You know now that this ole bunny
is nothing without little ole me

I’m busy thinking all of my dittys
in the hope you will get a laugh
the last thing you want this easter
is for me to make you wanna barf

and then there is all the commentators
of this myspace world of ours
I hope you know that without you all
we might as well be out milking cows


This Easter is for all of you
there is too many of you to name
I hope your wishes all come true
and you live a life of fortune and fame

Now we are nearing to my ending
and if I have forgotten you
know within my little beating heart
I love you all I really do





So if you think this is silly
Frankly I don’t give a fuck
you don’t always have to read me
there’s the classic faux king Mr Buck

The room is sterile. In the centre of the room stands the cold steel mechanical outline of a bed, surrounded by three uncomfortable hard seats and four stark white walls. The aroma of disinfectant and bleach hangs heavy in the room, cloying the senses with the chemical smells.

You are lying in the bed, unconscious, with pads and tubes all over your pale fragile form, hooked up to various machines with beeping noises and bright colored lights flashing intermittently. I stroke your hand gently as you stir and groan, setting off yet another endless light flashing on the machine closest to your head. The tears pour down my face unchecked as melancholy memories of the two of us flood through my senses.

We were four, it had been raining and it was the first time in days we had been allowed outside. We were in the yard playing and I was running towards you trying my best to control the soccer ball I was kicking between my legs. You moved towards me, I skipped sideways and lifted my boot to kick. Suddenly I slipped and lost my balance and I ended up face planted in the sloppy dirty mud at your feet. You laughed

We were five and you got into big trouble at school for chasing that stuck up girl with the golden pigtails. You caught her and then tossed her unceremoniously into the sandpit. I laughed

We were six and we got our first bikes for Christmas off Santa Claus. We went outside to ride them along the street and proudly show them off to the neighboring kids. We both laughed.

We were seven and we were riding those bikes to school. You were just ahead of me when a car came screeching around the corner on two wheels, drove up onto the gutter and straight into you. Nobody laughed. We never laughed again.

Pain floods my senses as my mind travels through time to another place. I couldn't look at you lying there broken on the grey cement or at the bright red liquid stain slowly spreading about your crushed body. Even now today I still can't open the box in my mind that contains those pictures. It is still too raw, still too graphic and still too real for me to view. Your life stopped there that day as mine was just beginning.

I was eight and I was chosen for the state soccer team. You had the first of many surgeries to repair your broken body. Your pelvis was rebuilt and jaw wired, with bone taken from your hips to replace the shattered shards of cheekbones. Your broken back was set in traction and the doctors finally persuaded the family to remove what was left of your left leg.

I was nine and won "dux" of the school. That was the year when they found out the blood they had given you was contaminated and your liver began to fail. Your organs shut down and you had swelling on the brain. That year was the beginning of the psychosis and torment that dogged you forever more and that was the year you begged me to help you to die.

I sat by your bedside back then in a room not unlike the one I was now seated in. The same cold, white and sterile feeling permeated every fibre of my being then as it does now. I told you I loved you. I pleaded with you to live. I cried for you to keep going. I encouraged you to have the strength to continue. I asked you to make the best of what you had and keep living. You still begged me to help you die. I remember my anger as I told you never to speak of it again. You didn't, those words never passed your lips again. Instead yet another light faded from your eyes.

My teen years were full of achievements while your teen years were full of hospitals, doctors and more agonizing pain. I met a pretty girl, fell in love and we got married. You met with many specialists and psychiatrists. I got promoted to manager of my division and you got another assortment of pills to keep you quiet and relatively pain free.

We had our first baby as you had your first breakdown. My little girl took her first steps and stumbled into my arms as you began new therapies on your damaged brain. Our second baby was born around the same time the doctors told you that you had a tumor. I watched him laugh and coo and run around on his stumpy legs. I watched the tears pour from your eyes and I watched you wipe them away. I watched you grimace in pain and I watched you turn away in solitude.

Your broken back had never mended and your only mode of transportation was a motorized wheelchair but even that now is castaway back deep in the dark dusty shed at home gathering cobwebs. You haven't been out of bed for nearly a year now. The tumor was found to be inoperable, growing insidiously and evilly inside your already damaged head.

Tomorrow is the big day though. A new medical procedure is to be trialed. It requires the implanting of tiny electrodes into your brain that will send electrical impulses into the tumor. According to the new team of specialists, combined with a weekly course of intense radiotherapy it should shrink the tumor. They haven't said too much about the side affects, although they tell me that it will be "uncomfortable" for you. I vividly remember your last course of radiotherapy, which if anything had made the tumor grow. I remember how your face was burnt with the skin peeling off in strips and I remember how the inside of your mouth and throat were raw with weeping blisters. I remember how you ended up being tube fed directly into your stomach when you could not longer swallow food or water.

Suddenly the loud incessant beeping of one of the machines pervades my senses, bringing me back to the stark reality of now. Your breathing has slowed, each breath seemingly requiring a great effort from your heaving weakened body. The machine sounds louder now as more lights flash. Medical staff come running into the room and I am pushed away to the corner shadows.

I stand stricken as I watch them work on your withered shape. For a few minutes there is frantic activity and people yelling instructions. The voices take on a panicked tone and then everything falls silent. A nurse turns to me and looks sadly into my eyes. Nothing needs to be said as she turns back and slowly pulls a sheet over your head. The machines are switched off one by one and the medical staff quietly leave the room.

I am left alone with you but you are no more. I am alone. For the first time in my life I am truly alone. I kneel down by your side and I am stone faced as I gently touch the sheet that covers you one last time. I stand up and then walk into the tiny bathroom that is attached to the hospital ward. Leaning over the bowl I try to gather my thoughts. It is hopeless. I am blank. I cannot think. I cannot feel. I am numb.

My hand mechanically reaches onto my jacket pocket and pulls out a plastic wrapper. I barely glance at the label with "Morphine" written across the front in bold black letters as I drop it in the toilet bowl. I press the button, staring into nothingness as the wrapper is flushed away through the sewage system.

I look up into the mirror. It is your face that staring back at me. I step back into the room for the final time. It seems dark and still, an emptiness within an emptiness. The cloying smells and aromas appear to have vanished as I walk slowly out of the room and head off up the corridor towards the nurses station.

Goodbye my brother. Goodbye my twin. Goodbye to half of me.

 You see Bro, when I was a little kid, I kinda had this problem… I loved you too much to let you go. Now that I am older, I kinda have a problem... I love you too much to make you stay.

The End

This story was written this morning for my Bloggers Carnivale Aftershow. It is totally fiction. The story came about when from a friend of my husbands who was asked by his dying father to shoot him. He didn't carry out his fathers wishes and has led a tortured life since. I often pondered his situation and how it affected everyone in the family. I decided to write my entry from a totally different perspective than any of my previous Pieces. I tried to keep it short compared to my usual work.. well short enough..

The Bloggers Carnivale - Aftershow

I hope you enjoy the story. Yes it is sad.

Please let me know what you think as this is an attempt of a new style for me to try

If you enjoyed this story and thought it was well written please hop along to the link above and tell the judges why they should vote for my entry.

 

 

Once upon a time five little princess were sitting in the grass making daisy chains out of sweet smelling flowers. They were talking about what they wanted to do and be when they grew up.

 

The first little girl said she wanted a bright red car and the biggest palace in the entire kingdom. The girls all sighed as they dreamed about the glittering castle with the bright shiny car parked outside framed by a magnificent garden and ornate golden draperies in the crystal windows.

 

The second little girl said she wanted to be the most beautiful girl in the whole kingdom and have the most beautiful boy in the kingdom fall deeply in love with her and sweep her off to his palace, which incidentally, while not quite as big as the first little girls shining example of a palace, would certainly be big enough for an army to reside in. The other little girls all ooh'ed and ah'ed as they dreamed of the handsome prince riding up to sweep their little friend off her feet and take her away to the land of happily ever after.

 

The third little girl said she wanted to be a star and have every one in the kingdom adore her and love her. The other little girls excitedly thought of fame and fortunes and signing autographs for worshipping adorers.

 

The fourth little girl said that she wanted to rule the world and have slaves and minions at her beck and call. The other girl's eyes all sparkled as they imagined maids in starched linen uniforms, wheeling silver service trays full of delectable temptations and handsome men offering their friend riches beyond their wildest dreams.

 

The four little girls then turned to the fifth little girl and waited expectantly to hear what her dream was.

 
"I want to be wise" said the fifth little girl timidly.

 

There was silence. The only audible sound was the steady drone of the bottle green blowflies gathering and buzzing around four little mouths that had by now fallen gapingly open in shock from their little friend's rather startling news.

 

And then they laughed… and laughed…… and laughed at the fifth little girl until the tears welled painfully in her eyes. Then they laughed some more. The fifth little girl scrambled up from the ground, wiping the hot tears away on her sleeve that were pouring down her face as she took one last glance down at the beautiful flowers in her hand. She turned and tossed them to the wind and then she ran home as fast as her pudgy little fat legs would take her.

 

When the little girl arrived home she ran into the bedroom and slammed the door hard. Walking sadly up to the dresser, she sat down and stared at herself in the mirror. She picked her music box up and turned the key before setting it back down on the dresser, the sounds of Puccini's La Boheme now soothed her tortured soul. Glancing down at the remaining daisy chain entwined around her wrist, she slowly brought it to her face, nuzzling the tiny petals and drawing the sweet aroma deep inside her soul. She removed the flower chain carefully and gently placed it inside her music box before closing the mirrored lid, squashing the little pink ballerina who was to that point dancing merrily around on the miniature dance floor, happy, bright and beautiful. The music stopped, sending silence to reverberate around the walls like a dark shadow.

 

The silence grew. She never told anyone her dreams again. She kept them locked deep within her heart along with that never forgotten daisy chain in the music box.

 

Her dreams were her hopes and she didn't want to share them when there were so many of those four other little princesses just waiting with Schadenfraude in their hearts, to crush all hope that grew.

 =================================

 

 

Previous Blogs of related Interest. If you are a new reader and have not read thses two blogs, they are well worth the view and time taken to look. Comments welcome.

Schadenfaude
Schadenfraude - The Word.... The Blog Click Here

Judgment
Judgment Blog - Click Here 2007 Blog Awards 1st Religion and Philosophy

Well I wrote this for a contest but do not wish to kill the storyline by cutting it in half to fit the 600 word criteria ...so i thought I would post the story again for you all to read and hopefully enjoy. This is only the first draft. It still needs refinement. I like to write and then leave my piece for a bit and come back all fresh to do the second draft as I always look at it differently then.

---

Sarah stopped and straightened, wiping the sweat from her brow as she looked around at the mountains surrounding her. It was a steamy spring day in the tropics of Australia. On the horizon threatening foreboding stom clouds gathered and slowly drifted inland.

She turned to review her morning accomplishment in the garden and walked back slowly towards the farmhouse to make lunch for her herself and her small son Bailey, who was playing quietly under the mango tree which was bursting with pre season fruit nearby.

As she stepped into the house, she stopped a moment and frowned, peering outside again into the sunshine. It was so still, unusually so for this time of day, calm and very silent. No birds were chirping away in the trees that were gently swaying on the hills nor were the rabbits skipping over the meadows and playing hide and seek with each other. "Eerie".

She shrugged as she stepped inside and went to switch the television on as she made the sandwiches.

She froze as the picture came on and the voice boomed into the room. The midday newscaster was highly agitated as he spluttered out his lines. Sarah listened and watched intently, trying to grasp exactly what she was hearing.

"I repeat, New Zealand has been totally destroyed by a massive volcanic eruption and numerous deathly shockwaves that have caused the island country to sub duct between two tectonic plates. It is believed that hundreds of thousands of lives have been lost in the catastrphic disaster"

"No, thought Sarah and shook her head, this cannot be happening and leaned forward to hear more.

The newscaster continued, Sarah's face and body was beginning to register the horror and enormity of what she was hearing. A chain reaction had occurred along the Pacific plate, starting with deep quakes registering in the New Guinea region and after a period of calm it seemed all hell had broken loose. Volcanoes spewing molten lava had suddenly sprung up along the pacific and nazca plate edges where it intersected with smaller plates, instantly creating new islands where none had previously existed. The stresses caused from the plates shift had caused quakes all over the planet at it's weakest spots, culminating in a massive horizontal slide of two plates intersecting south of new Zealand.

Shakily while still listening to the newscaster Sarah ran and called Bailey inside, stopping a moment to reflect and observe the dark formations on the horizon, they took on new meaning now, she thought as an ice cold chill ran up her spine.

She lived inland about 200 kilometres from the sea, on a mountain meadow, which seemed at the moment to be a safe spot as the newscaster began to list the areas affected by the massive tsunami's that the series of seismic events had created. Her face fell as the television switched to footage of a massive wall of churned up muddy, dirty brown water barreling towards the Sydney Harbour Bridge, swallowing the Opera House, with just the peaks of the sails visible as the water consumed everything in it's path.

What was happening here, she hugged Bailey to her chest, He seemed to sense something was wrong and he looked quizzically into her eyes, His own deep blue eyes staring innocently and questioningly at her. "Mummy" he said and touched her face with his tiny warm hand. "What is making you sad".

Sarah choked and couldn't answer him, she kissed him, then held him tighter as the voice and images droned on and on through her senses. The newscaster was fairly yelling now, his face was beet red as he told of the currently happening destruction of California. Ten minutes beforehand Mt St Helens had exploded, blowing a nearly a kilometre off the top of her and spewing lava miles into the sky, the shocks had triggered the San Andreas fault to give way in a reaction of quakes through to southern California, each measuring over 9 on the Richter scale.

The newscaster stopped as a hand came into camera view and passed him yet another sheet of paper. He frowned and sighed as he turned to face the camera. It was almost with a dull monotone that he read from the latest item to hit the desk.

"Due to the massive series of seismic events along the pacific rim of fire, the earth has created such a wobble that it is now believed the moon has been thrown erratically out of it's normal orbit around our planet. It seems that these events will continue and it is as yet unknown when the events will subside. Emergency marshal law has been enacted all over the country. Please stay tuned for instruction bulletin to follow.

Suddenly the earth beneath Sarah's feet became unstable. She squealed loudly as she felt a rush of power come towards her. She felt like she was on the edge of a high cliff, with a steam train rushing at her full steam, a roar rang in her ears as she ran to escape the confines of the house, Bailey still held tightly against her chest. Sarah fell out of the front verandah and laid there as the Earth rendered, shook and screamed beneath her. The air around her rushed and roared. Bailey started screaming, his voice blending in with the screams of the earth. The wrenching and tearing continued as the sky darkened and a thick orange brown cloud filled the air. Inside the house the TV became silent, but the shaking continued, getting stronger and stronger.

Sarah pulled Bailey closer and crawled away from the house as behind her the foundations of the 150 year old farmhouse tore away and the building collapsed with a screech of torn metal. The ground tore apart in front of her and she stopped crawling and she watched in seemingly slow motion as the garden she had tendered to so lovingly that morning slid away down into a pit that had appeared, swallowing it all in one long movement. Sarah screamed now as on the distant mountain peaks, bright red rivers of molten lava appeared, bursting into the heavens like New Year's fireworks against the darkened skies.

Bailey stared transfixed as steam vents sizzled up in geysers and all around cracks appeared on the ground like a maze of spider webs over the area. Trees were uprooted and crashed back down with an almighty wrenching sound

The roar was louder now, the shaking seemed to be building to a crescendo, a symphony of horror and Sarah found she could not move or make a sound and then it happened. The crescendo peaked, there was a flash, a crack of sound, blinding colour and in that instant of agonizing pain Sarah called Bailey's name. Then there was nothing as an explosion ripped through the solar system and the Earth was no more.

We will now continue our tale
of the little grinchy lad
and all the rotten reasons
that the green kid was so bad

Come Christmas time in festive land
Everyone would pack their bags
and head off up to Christmas town
there were many gifts to tag

The town lit up like fairyland
People scurried here and there
Bad Frosty Directed traffic
right around the village square




The doughboy stood on the corner
peddling out his wares
and Joko was in the kitchen
putting rum in with the pears


The tooth fairy worked the town gate
With the green grinch by his side
There was contraband a plenty
that the visitors were prone to hide

The Easter bunny conducted strip searches
while the tooth fairy looked on
The grinch just growled displeasure
as the bunny felt up another blonde



Well the green skin boy got bored
and often he would stray away
He was turned off by those rotten men
and so off he would trot to play

But be mindful of our story
how those elves didn't want to play
With that lad from christmas town
and how they all stayed far away

Now all those elves were busy
and rudolf cracked his whip
The grinch was in the blasted way
over his green ass they would trip

They would yell and rant and scream at him
and kick him outside the shed
They would smash their parcels into him
and bang them on his head

And so the Grinch got really cranky
one christmas week in time
His anger built within him
until it crossed the line

His ears steamed out in green puffs
of radioactive green gas
His flat fat feet would stomp about
and he would yell of all things crass

But no one seemed to look at him
they all rushed by him really fast
and trampled poor little grinchy
as they all hurried past

So the grinch then hit the jackpot
of devious tricks to try
He decided to create a din
and teach himself to fly


So he sat there and he pondered
things of physics and of math
See if he didn't learn his lessons
he would earn the tooth fairies wrath


So his plans formed inside his head
and he went and gathered bits
He snuck and raided cupboards
to find the pieces that would fit


He went and stole the wood
from santas old stockpile
and went and pinched his tools
along with a hammer and a file

 

Soon his plane was ready
to fly about the town
The grinch had saved all rudolfs shit
and marked the spots to throw it down

But he needed some more power
his phosphorus wasn't quite enough
To get the plane all powered up
he needed stronger stuff

So he snuck into the workshop
and had a look around
and opened a few boxes
can you guess what grinchy found

A mother lode of power
spread right through the place
The grinch loaded up his arms
and ran out with a grin on his face






So the Grinch built up his airplane
then stood back straight and tall
I'll give these bastards Christmas
wait till the Shit begins to fall

He loaded up the bomb bay
with all of Rudolf's shit
and then he checked the map again
and planned whos head's to hit

He strapped up his new found power cells
and shoved them deep in the back
He filled them with his green gas
nuclear power cells to stack



The Grinch fired up the engine
and shot right into outer space
He wet his pants and crapped himself
there was terror on his face

He turned the rocket right around
and headed back to earth
He gathered such speed to him
he felt he was about to give birth





As the rocket sped towards the ground
the grinch was flattened by the force
His fuzz hair streamed out behind him
a crash was inevitable of course

But right at the last moment
Santa Claus was driving by
The Rocket hit rudolf on the nose
sending his nostrils into his eyes



The rocket's course was altered
and missed the town centre by a mile
It crashed into the reindeers hay
sending green poop throughout the pile


In the middle it was little Grinchy
with crap pouring down his head
and now spread all around him
those batteries now green and dead

 

Now All that luminesence
was gone from in The Grinches skin
He was white and he was crabby
the same color as his kin

No -one knows what caused the reaction
that reversed the green skin tinge
it was enough to confuse poor old santa
and sent him off on an old rum binge

That was the Annus Horibilis
of Santa's Christmas town
Green droopy bits of slimeballs
Just kept on raining down

And Santa had to hire an elf
to write on every box
"batteries not included"
thanks to that little fox

So if this christmas you get a gift
and you see that written there
you know the grinch has touched your toy
and you know the reason's fair

Because you don't want little Johnny
to smile at you at night
to have his little face grin back
all luminous and bright

So to mums the whole world over
Santa's message to you today
is go out now and buy batteries
cos I've got none in me sleigh

Blame that little grinchy one
although I think he has gone to hide
I am sure that all that action
was too much to take in his stride

There was a secret to this story
and it is really very huge
As now the he lost his greenness
he's became Crabby McScrooge




And thats why old Rudolf's nose is red
Because you know I never lie
with this little tale from Christmas town
to make you laugh until you cry

But to be sure there will be more tales
from where this ditty has sprung
Because I've got more stories
waiting to roll off my fat ole tongue

Twas the night before Christmas when all through myspace

Not a blogger was stirring, not even at Jabs place

The blogging was done, the fingers packed away

waiting for santa, when drunk comes to stay.

Shirtless John and Joko, were snuggled into bed

Between them was Jessica, snoring off her head

Tit's Macgee was off dreaming, of sexual misdeeds

And Stelf was plotting ways, of relationships to mislead

Then out in cyberspace, came the noise of a crash

Nip fell off Chad, in the din and the bash

Jersey ran to the window and threw it open wide

in rushed Crabby and Kate, he was carrying his bride

"It is time to party", he yelled out real loud

and opened the doors, to the huge Myspace crowd

<b>in rushed the crew, full of rah rah and fun

followed by Rav, hiding out from the sun

Crabby stood on the table and captured the mood

There's no drama today, just plenty of food

The beers in the fridge, the music's on slow

Wait till nips strips, the mood will then flow

Stone Bryson was pacing, hopping up and down

Gina was watching John, on her face was a frown

Tila tequila was singing, and wiggling on the pole

Everyone laughed when she fell down a hole

Kate danced with crabby, and Chad was with Tuck

When suddenly came Santa, in a noisy dump truck

The back part was full, of gifts of all size

It was too much for jabs, his dick started to rise

Jabs hid behind Tits, but that was bad you see

Cos' it wasn't very long, before tits spun to her knee

Just at that time, Stelf the elf happened past

When she saw what she saw, she grew up really fast

The crew was all happy, having a ball of a time

There were presents and gifts, it cost not a dime

Ms K Brown was on stage, telling jokes in her mic

Thank God its Myspace, no writers on strike

Jersey girl is drunk and sprouting her prose

Joko is smitten and hands her a red rose

Jessica has disappeared, with the shirtless one John

Santa sat on his chair, with Stelf by his side

Her shock is now over and taken in stride

With a blush on her face and a smile ear to ear

I think I see Santa Claus, pinching her rear

Overall the great party, is hailed a success

As Crabby kissed Kate, he jumped and professed

While Kate is my first Love, Myspace is my last

Lets always remember and never let party go past.

Dear World

My name is friggin Santa Claus

You had better get it right

I only come round once a year

In the middle of the night

 

I make toys for all the children

And for grown up kids as well

They all sit on Santa's knee

And whine and have a yell

 

Please Santa Claus I want a bike

I want a skateboard or two

Give me a brand new surfboard

It makes me want to spew

 
You always say that you've been good

But we both know different

remember behind the woodshed

and the friendly crabby's that I sent

 

I ho ho here, I ho ho there

And get fatter by the day

I smile and grin and wave a lot

And ignore what you have to say

 

You ask for gold and diamonds

I brings you socks and pants instead

You think your getting what you want

i bring you lumps of lead.

 

 

 

I haven't seen my toes in years

My bum scrapes on the ground

I wear a stupid red suit

And a sac that weighs a pound

 

 

I'm married to a bloomin' witch

They call her Mrs Claus

I'm always walking eggshells

She's always bangin' doors

 

She's mean an yells and stamps a lot

And gets rags on all the year

I love it when she gets that mad

She blows wind out from her rear

But she cooks me chocolate brownies

So I think I'll keep her around

And those delicious yummy pork chops

That make my belly face the ground

 

I've got some bloody reindeer

along with a very stupid one

They call him Rudolph red nose

I could just kick him up the bum

He gets into my woodshed

And leaves his shit in there

He sneaks into my rum room

and gets pissed as a polar bear

I'm sure the elves are growing weed

Out beyond the garden bed

They sneak out there for hours

And come back inside a bloodshot red

they spend their days in my workshop
and sleep the nights in my back shed
at the rate the lazy bastards work
the're lucky that they get fed

 

I party with the tooth fairy

the easter bunny comes to stay

I dig it when they come around

It means it's time to play

 

We go out to the stripper bar

To an igloo in the next town

the easter bunny buys the drinks

we all perve and skol it down

So if you hear Santa Coming

Cover the kiddies ears real tight

I'm off visiting with the girls next door

And spreading love and light

So to mums the whole world over

I have a message to send to you

If you fancy being in my bad books

Then don't clean the chimney flue

If you have a fire blazing hot

Make sure I've somewhere to land

Cos if I burn my feet one more time

I won't be capable to stand

I'm sick of milk and cookies

They just pour out my bum

I demand some care and quality

Please leave out the top shelf rum

If You don't have a chimney

Please don't lock the blasted door

You don't really expect Santa Claus

To climb up through the kitchen floor

And if you are hot and single

Please turn on the bedside light

Because Santa wants to visit you

And stay right through the night

 

I'm sorry this poem's an epic

But it's all in fun and free

The magic that is Christmas

This is my gift for you to see!!

My Annus Horribilis















January's Moral Lesson for all you kiddies
Don't send a blind elf to buy flameable items for you. He will bring Petroleum back instead of Kerosene