The Crossroad Inn

All year long Santa is busy
watching all the girls and boys
working out which children
are deserving of Santa's toys

See Santa's toys aren't plastic
or the flesh and blood you feel
Santa gift is spirit
for the soul to take to heal

But some of Santa's children
have so little deep inside
that any ray of sunshine
they feel they have to hide

but Santa learned a lesson
all those years ago
that a smile can beat the hatred
and make spirit waters flow

 I went to pick Kahleah up from daycare early to get them all ready for the town's Christmas carnival. I walked in and the kids were down the back. I spotted Seth, Kahleah's "boyfriend" playing on the ground in front of me. Seths a handsome strapping three year old lad with Celtic dark red hair and hazel eyes. When his daddy and I are in the supermarket you will hear the two kids yelling from one end of the supermarket to the other, like a scene out of Romeo and Juliet meet buying groceries.

Seth : Kahleah Kahleah
Kahleah: Seth, its Seth. Seth where are you Seth
Seth: Kahleah I can seeeee youuuuuu
Kahleah: Look mummy it's Seth, it's Seth, it's my boyfriend I have to go and say hello.
Me: But darling we just said goodbye to him at daycare five minutes ago...

Kahleah pouts until I go up to Seth and his dad, we both sorta stand back looking uncomfortable.  (small country town, not good to be seen chatting (*rumours you know*) We just watch and wait until the two little ones are finished  gossiping about everything under the sun.
 
My mummies buying some milk
My daddies buying some bread.......
yadda yadda ... do adults sound like that to kids?

Anyway when I spotted Seth today at daycare, i bent down in front of him. he looked up and shoved a tupperware container bowl at my nose.

"Look it's an ant".
"Yes Seth it certainly is an ant", I answered when I finally focused on the microdot climbing around the bowl towards my left nostril.
"I think it's a mummy ant, what do you think", said Seth seriously, staring into my eyes and shoving the bowl closer to my nose, so that if I breathed in Seth wouldn't have an ant anymore and I would be well, choking on ant.
"Hmm it might be a mummy ant" I say watching as Seth bends down and put his bowl on the ground then get down on his hunches peering over the bowl.
"Do you know where your girlfriend is?" I asked, both of us still watching the microdot ant.
"Oh Kahleahs down on the slide near the sandpit" Seth answered without looking up, while raising his hand pointing down to where  could now see Kahleah, busy bossing some little blonde girls around.

The daycare girls were standing behind me watching and listening quietly and they all burst out laughing at the exchange. Its so It is funny to them all that Seth and Kahleah have this unbreakable bond at such a young age. To me it is just my kids. My special kids seem to pick up other speical kids.

 Well once a year our little rural hometown stops dead. The traffic is diverted from the main street and all day long trucks are busy unloading and preparing for the evening's festivities. Little stalls spring up instantly along the street curbs, with all sorts of stock being arranged for display and the obligatory hotdog stands send the pall of hotdog stench throughout the whole area.





The kids really deserved some sunshine in their lives with what is going on aorund them so I dressed them all and we all set off for the short walk down the road and across the tracks to the carnival.

They loved the walk down, it was on dusk and the stars had just begun twinkling above the cresent moon in the west. The Christmas music could be heard loudly from the front yard, so the kids couldn't wait to turn the corner to see the pretty lights and festivities sprawled out before their eyes like a feast to be devoured.

When we arrived of course the first stop was the little battery motor cars. The kids duly lined up in the long line as I went and handed over 26 dollars for eight tickets.

I came back to find the crowd around the lineup in hysterics with my kids at the centre of it. Turns out while I was away i missed the best Romeo and Juliet Performance of the century.



As recounted by the older three, Kahleah was standing there with them and all of a sudden they heard this voice call out


They turned around and there was Seth, coming running towards Kahleah, she saw him and started running towards him. The met and hugged each other, jumping up and down for a full minute together.

Of course no one in the crowd around had ever seen anything like it before, except on tv or in the movies. The kids walked together, chatting away up to  Seth's dad with their arms around each other.








Finally it was our turn except of course, Murphy had come to the carnival with us. Each driver had to be over 10 years old. So that was ok for Kiralea driving Kahleah. It was ok for me driving Brodie but Shayla and Kaelan couldn't go, they had to wait until we had finished, neither was over 11 years of age.






We finally decide Kiralea with Kahleah and Brodie with me. So off we go, with Brodie demanding to drive our little number. he did pretty well considering but kept forgetting to let go of the wheel on the straights, so we kinda took out a few orange cones and at one stage were lapping with one planted like the masthead on a ship sitting on the front bumper bar, until the carny jumped and pulled it off. Of course every time I touched the wheel Brodie would have a fit of tantrum and would fold his arms, huff and take his foot off the accelerator pedal until I cheered him up again. Soon, or not soon enough it was over. The other two girls had a ball, Kahleah sat up next to Kiralea like an angel with her hands in her laps, just taking it all in, wide eyed and fascinated.




Notice the hands so tghtly gripped. With a bit of practise he would be a good driver. Also note that Blue Shirt. I tried to dis attach him to that for an hour before we left the house and gave up. No fashion sense but he thinks he looks cool.


We come to a dead stop, smack bang in the middle of the car in front, jerking me backwards into the back of the seat.

 yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow

the middle of my back slammed into the metal.. ahh they don't make cushions on these, someones going to really hurt themselves one day. Me!!

SO I get off, grimacing in pain, hobbling along like Quasimodo, racing after the two little ones, knowing if I took my eyes off Brodie for an instant, that was the night gone. I gathered them within arms reach and went back to the other kids who were chomping at the bit to get on.



That was four tickets gone. Now Shayla and Kaelan needed a ticket each and two drivers. That meant Kiralea and I. But having said that, do you really think I am going to leave my five year old "This is my world" kid and my three year old "oooh whats that!!" kid out there alone?



Finally the carny came over after seeing the look of exasperation and distress on my face and asked me what was wrong.


Well it's like this, I have eight tickets, five children, four of us have been on. Now I would like to give these two kids a ticket and send them on but they aren't allowed. So, what I then have to do is either, rope the two little ones to the fence or your wrist, or send them on one at at time with my older girl. But see that doesn't work because my other kids will be pissed that the older girl gets two extra rides so they are going to demand two extra rides too. That then means that I have to go and buy another bulk pack of tickets for 26 dollars before anyone gets to ride on the ride. So yeah, that's my problem". I stopped and looked at him quizically.

He stood back a step, bamboozled by my seemingly one syllable monologue. He thought for a second, then looked down at Kaelan and said ina  gruff voice. "How old are you son?" .

Kaelan shook as he replied "Nine"
"Close enough, get on", Said the carny looking around furtively.





You know I have some great friends who are carnys and I love them muchly but have you ever noticed that carny and furtive fit together in the same breath so well. Every carny I have known has that "aura" about them. (Ghosty dear, If you and Mr Holden Hat are ever reading this. I do love you.)


So Kealan and Shayla raced to get on the ride. Meanwhile Kahleah has decided it is time to investigate the toilets to see if they all flush and that the taps are all in working order. So I deputize Kiralea to take her to the loo and tell her to meet me at the corner when shes done. I yell out to Kae and Shay to meet me at the corner then off I set with Brodie.





Well I walked the wrong way didn't I. All that stuff designed to pull Kids attention doesn't work for Brodie the pretty flashy toys and gimmicky things do not interest him but when I got to the stand that was set up with Video Games and Karaoke, that was it. We would go no further. Brodie stopped dead in his tracks, his normally huge eyes opened wider like saucers and he was starstruck by the dude playing the video game.



I finally dragged him away by reminding him that his tummy needed filling. So we made our way into the middle of the street where the hotdog stand was and lined up to order.

Brodie "EeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeI'm hungry"
Me "I know baby we are getting some sausages on a stick and going to go and wait for Santa"
Brodie "(yelling really loud) I don't want sausage on a stick"
Me: "Well what do you want"
Brodie "I want something else eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"


Me: Well we are having sausages on a stick and if you don't stop e'ing I will take you home and you can stay with dad in his room.
Brodie: (Worse now) "eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"

We communicate like that for aminute with more evil stares from passerbys. I am really going to get a T_shirt that reads


Meanwhile it's my turn and I order 6 dogs and sauce for 24 dollars. Great over 50 gone already and all I get is eeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Brodie: " I want a drink mummy"
Me: I can't afford a drink as well if you want another ride. You will have to wait till home or go get some water
Brodie: eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

So this went on and all of a sudden the woman reached down from the van and put three dogs in my hand. My money was on the counter and I asked her to wait a sec and before I could say batty bastard, she stuck three dogs in my other hand.

I just stood there, stock still frozen in shock with Brodie yelling at me from my feet with six hotdogs in two hands periously close to all falling everywhere over the crowd around me in a lavalike eruption of dagwood dog and ketchup.

Yay brilliant, I eyed my change on the counter and then looked back at my two full hands and down at my screaming son. Then the lady behind me started laughing, I looked down and I started laughing too and the next thing everyone around started laughing, with me in the middle trying to manuveour all six dogs in into one hand while I pocketed the change. The woman behind the counter just looked at us all as if we were nuts,, stupid woman.... hang on means "wait" lady......

So we set off the short distant to the meeting spot, by now all the other kids should have met up, right?

Wrong, they were nowhere in sight. So here is me, standing in the middle of the road, with Brodie screaming at my feet, the whole crowd staring at me like some zoological exhibition on display, with three hotdogs in each hand, three black leather jackets slung over my shoulder, one handbag and one camera but no children. I did what anyone would do in that situation, cracked myself up laughing and just had to get a shot of the event.





The next thing my sproglets all turned up and I doled out the dogs to them. Of course Brodie refused his. Then the sirens started and I could see a police car coming along the road. Santa was on his way. I asked Brodie if he wanted to come and see him but he just eee'ed at me so I picked Kahleah up, sloshing ketchup all over me and pushed through the crowd to go and see Santa.




We get to Santa and she screams and tries to climb up into my hair. She pointed back the way we came and said "take me back mummy". So I have to then fight back through the crowd again, which by this time was all headed straight at me. I finally got back to the kids and put Kahleah down and looked around.


'Umm Kaelan where is brodie"
Kae: I dunno he started yelling about stamper and then he was gone. Oh Joy. Just what I had tried to avoid, had happened.

So I start my usual search, I know him by now and know where to look so I went straight up to the police who were at a squad car blocking off the road to my home.

"Hey guys, You seen Brodie, I said to the officer, Adam.

Adam shook his head, "Gone again"

I nodded and said well if you see him, you know where to take him. The other officer was new and looked quizzically at Adam.

He shrugged at him, I suppose he had some explaining to do about Brodie after I had left. I next went to the public toilets, he likes the taps and water. No Brodie, Kaelan meanwhile had been searching the other side of the town square. I went back to the kids, by now my usual painful bubbling heart was in my throat. Finally I heard Kiralea from the distance yell got him mum and i raced over.


brodie was crying and all stressed.

I leaned down to him and gave him and cuddle and asked what was wrong. "eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. I lost Stamper. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"

Me: Oh hunny where did you lose him.
I lost him down there and he's gone
me: where abouts did you lose him
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
down there (points to near food van)
Me: Ok baby lets go and look for him.

I settle the other kids and mozy off with Brodie. I know he's headed where he threw it because he is purposeful in his direction. We get back to the food van and search where he lost it for ten minutes. hell no, This is Kingaroy, a free stamper left on the ground for his little owner to return to pick up? No way, its straight into a pocket.

So I know we are going to have eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee for the rest of the night. We wander back just in time for the fireworks to start.. and well it did with a huge rip and tear and then a bang.


The countdown started as did the fireworks, I glanced down at Brodie, worried that the noise would terrify him but he was enraptured with the colours, his mouth wide open catching flies, his eyes like two huge luminous pools of awe. Kahleah tugged at me and I bent down to pick her up and that is when it all went south.


The jeans I had on were my really old denim ones that I hadn't worn in quite some time. As I pulled them on earlier that evening my finger had gone through the demin at the side loops. I thought to myself that it was new jeans time but wore them anyway. The hole was tiny and it wasn't like I was going to church or anything.




and felt the jeans give and then felt the waft of the cool summer breeze on my G-stringed Ass. Oh no. Nothing worse could possibly happen. I froze and slowly reached up to my shoulder, taking my black jacket down and tying it around my waist. I stood up and looked around to see if anyone had witness my ultimate embarrassing moment in life. Nope, thank God. Well I hope not, knowing my luck when I am a famous writer, some asshole will post the pictures on the net for the world to see my ass hanging out of my denims.

So I stood there trying not to move to much and acutely aware of my jacket's flimsy hold around my waist.





But was that the end of my exciting night?

No way, we were only halfway through the excitement.. Would you have gone home at this point?

Stay tuned for Part Three in Brodies Series tomorrow and then the Kiralea story begins after that. If you thought life with Brodie was action packed.. then you must read Kiralea's story.

 

 

In the week leading up to the biggest event of the year for me the street I grew up on would be alive of an evening with the Salvation Army band singing carols outside my window. The music would drift in the open windows on the hot summer breeze and soothe me to sleep, dreaming of little drummer boys and of kings and stars. The night before Christmas was always special to me. I was always so excited and unable to sleep in the bright light of a daylight savings summer. I would sit up at my bedroom window, looking out at the starts appearing on the horizon, imagining I could just faintly hear the sound of sleigh bells amongst the carolers drumming and trumpets.


My parents would put out milk and cookies for Santa and I would stand in consternation in front of the TV in the lounge room and complain to my parents about the lack of a chimney for Santa to arrive in. Of course it was explained that Santa thought our house was special, as he got to slide down the skylight in the dining room instead of a dirty old chimney stack.



I would always try and stay awake to spot Santa as he arrived but every year without fail the Sandman would win and way before "santa" snuck in my room I would be snoring away.
 When I would wake up on Christmas morning I would open my eyes and peek slowly at the end of my bed. There would be a sack at the foot of my bed bursting and full to the brim with everything a kid could want. Except a bike. I never got a bike.

Every other kid in the street on Christmas morning would be out in full glory, bells trinkling, riding around on bright sparkling bikes of all descriptions. Pink tassely glittery things streaming along on bright sparkling two wheelers, BMX bikes would be jumping the gutters and the sound of those kids laughing and shouting in joy at Santa's gift of a bike would make me long for the day that I had my own bright sparkly pushbike, complete with a bell and purple tassles for me. My parents were vindicated when I borrowed a friends bike at 12 and decided to crash into a car, which effectively sent my face sideways wonky and cost me five lovely front teeth and created a very cheeky gapped tooth lopsided smile.


 I got my own back on those two wheeled kids though. One Christmas I was the first kid in the street to be the proud owner of a pair of black and yellow boot speed roller skates and a neat little skateboard. My parents had given up by this time they had long ago decided it was no use trying to tame me. To call me in of an afternoon, mum would walk out to the street, survey all the trees in the street, walk up to one and call up it, time to come home now. It still has me beat trying to figure out how she knew WHICH particular tree I had ascended into on any given afternoon. I tried to confuse her daily to no avail, she could zero in on my tree like an army sniper onto a target.

After we had opened our gifts and had breakfast, we would play for a while and then take a present into our next door neighbors, Mrs. Morgan and her "spinster" daughter Joyce. Joyce was cool, she was a prison guard and often kept me regaled with stories designed to scare off little girls but just served to pique my interest.


Mrs Morgan was a dear old lady, she was as blind as a bat though and we had to get right up nose to nose in order for her to see "how much we had grown". We would always receive a gift of a washer, soap and talcum powder from them, I still to this day wonder if they thought we smelled bad all the time. Although with having a mum like mine that was an impossibility, my poor ears got scrubbed out with a nail brush every evening without fail and I would endure mum's rubber gloved hands making sure I was "squeaky clean" at bathtime.

We always had Christmas lunch at my Paternal Grandparent's house. My dad's mum was a icon all of her own. I remember being dragged to church each and every Sunday, kicking, screaming and protesting loudly but it would make no difference the next Sunday, we would repeat the procedure with even more belligerence on my part.



My Grandmother was "knighted" by the Queen of England and the Commonwealth of Australia, well not quite knighted,  but the Queen of England did bestow the OAM upon her (Order of Australia). Close enough to knighthood for my Gran to assume the regal bearing she carried for the rest of her life. Proudly and stately her signature on all correspondence was followed by her "letters". She was the president of the New South Wales Rose Society, President of the New South Wales Mothers Union, President of New South Wales Adult Deaf Society……... president of this, secretary of that. Granddad was up there on the board of this and that too.

I think you can imagine that little rebellious wild child me and my Gran-B didn't see eye to eye on too many things. As a matter of fact I don't remember Gran and I seeing eye to eye on anything and the only time granddad and I saw eye to eye was the day I climbed the clothesline in his backyard to peer in the dining window to see him peering right back at me with a very red angry look on his bespectacled bulbous face. I scrambled down from there and scooted off to hide faster than a jackrabbit being pursued by a pack of wild dogs, so most of the time I used to dread going to Gran-Bs. The cup of tea and china scene with all the high society falseness has never appealed to me. Murphy always came to dinner when I was at Grans and I could guarantee that every single time, I would be the one to spill the gravy all over the starched linen tablecloth. As a child I spent so much time traveling around Australia with my father that I preferred reality and true people even then. Tea, scone and fake conversations were an endurance marathon for the highly spirited kid who couldn't sit still for an instant.


But having said that Christmas was something else. My sister and I and my two cousins would arrive before lunch and we would all swap and opened the presents. I would, as usual grimace as I opened my totally inappropriate and unsuiting presents, oh yay a Barbie doll…..and is this a frilly pink and white dress.. how divine….oh and look a little china tea set…. Grrrrrrr …..Lego..I want Lego… … I would as usual be amazed at the conversation flying silently from the adults fingers during this time. My uncle Trevor was deaf, he had lost his hearing as a very young boy when he got sick and my Auntie Janet had never been able to hear. Her mother contracted Rubella while pregnant with Auntie Janet so their world was a silent one. We all spoke fluently on our fingers in sign language. I had difficulties understanding my uncle and Aunties flying fingers as I was left handed and everything was backward to me but they understood and spoke a lot slower when we conversed. My cousins, Susan and Alan, had full hearing and acted as interpreters for their parents in most external situations. I think Alan was the least affected by it all and would often demonstrate exactly that by turning his back so his parents couldn't lip read him and swear profoundly.

After we had all exclaimed in false politeness how utterly amazing our gifts were and how much they were just the perfect thing that we had just been dying for, the neighbors would arrive, a couple who my Grandparents had kind of adopted when they had emigrated to Australia a few years earlier. Bridget was a big hulking blonde German woman with muscular arms that put Arnold Schwarzenegger to shame. Dino was a fiery little Italian man who rode to work at the steelworks and back on an antiquated little vesper and would wave his arms and hands animatedly around during conversation like a conductor of a string quartet. They conversed in a mix of Italian, German and English, both of their booming voices competing to outdo each other in boomingness. Normal everyday conversation drifting from their open windows in the house next door would sound like world war 2 was about to start between the two. The two children of this exotic mix, Elizabeth and Paul, were as quiet as mice compared to their large as life parents. It made for an interesting Christmas dinner amongst an otherwise dull mix.

Throw in Uncle Norm, the rich real estate owner, who drove the latest Mercedes, drank more beer than a brewery could produce and whittled his days away on a golf course chasing a teeny tiny ball around. He would be accompanied by his wife Gwen, my grandmother's even posher and richer sister. Auntie Gwen could be mistaken for Princess Margaret and Gran B looked awfully like the queen herself, right down to the matching handbag and sensible shoes. Occasionally Grandma's twin brothers Stan and Keith would drop by for a tipple. Stan was a church minister and missionary in Western Australia, so it wasn't every year that he could fly over to visit but his identical twin Keith and his wife Agnes would often be there with Agnes knitting away furiously in Grandma's rocking chair for the duration, not really conversing with anyone, the only sound from the direction of that chair was the occasional mumble of her counting stitches..

We would sit down to a banquet, a table laden with ham, chicken and turkey with home made sauces, Auntie Gwen's famous mayonaise,  Grandma's famous Cranberry sauce and accompanied by scrumptious salads..... mind you all served up on the Royal Doulton china which made me scared to even breathe on it. The ironic part of this is that I inherited the Royal Doulton when Gran-B died....Its under my old bed at mums now...I trust my own kids less than I trusted myself.

After the pudding was served, the conversation would turn to current world matters and politics. By this time Dino would have a few choice wines from his own little backyard vineyard under his belt and he would slam his fist down on the table, the half full wine glasses threatening to immediately jump off the table in protest and the salt and pepper shakers rattle and rolling. Animatedly and heatedly he would proclaim his side of whatever subject that was being discussed as law, his voice raising to impossible decibels and his face looking like a red balloon about to pop before his wife would speak over him, in her slow but very loud German Drawl.

Anyway after lunch Gran-B would take us around the rose garden and dahlias and let us play the huge organ in the music room. She would lift the lid of the ornate carved piano and start singing carols while we rocked to the music in her lovely Jason recliners. Gran-B had a stunning view over Wollongong which looked straight down into the railway yard in town so we would be allowed to use Granddad's binoculars to watch the trains arrive and depart and the tiny ants scurrying around the bottom of the distant buildings. Then about 2 30pm we would pack up and go home to get changed.

At about 4 we would go down to my mum's, mum's place for dinner. Now this I looked forward out of all the Christmas goodies. My mum's mum was the sweetest, huggliest, loveliest lady you could ever meet. Grandpa was an English gentleman, born and bred who worked at the steelworks as a fitter and Gran-T was a real lady.

<div style="" center;="">
Grandpa and Grandma T - Mum's parents

She helped everyone who needed it and gave me more love as a child than most people receive in their lives. She deserved the Queens award just as much, if not more so in her humbleness than my Gran-B did. My great uncles Bernie and Cliff would be there and I would touch Uncle Cliff's war bullet wounds in amazement and ask him all sorts of awkward weird questions. I asked everyone weird difficult questions back then.


I would wander down the back of Grandpa's huge garden and eat the fresh strawberries off the plants and pick at the mulberries on the tree at the bottom of the garden, after I had climbed it of course. Grandpa would then let me water his orchids in his nursery and greenhouse, which was almost larger than his house. I still today have grandpa's Orchids growing in the same concrete pots in my greenhouse out the back here in Queensland.


 Dinner was another banquet and roast affair of chicken, ham and pork...accompanied all things yummy with pudding and ice cream and custard. After dinner I would sit in front of Grandpa's bookcase and read through all his old books while the parents and oldies cleaned up and chatted in the kitchen. Some of those books dated from the beginning of the 1900's and they all had lovely full colour hand painted plates to go along with the stories. The stunning paintings were of ships burning on fire in a boiling sea storm, lads carrying out courageous tasks and lions stalking, about to spring on a juicy ripe antelope drinking from a running river. I would be asleep on my feet later when came time for mum and dad to load all our piles and piles of presents and bundle my sister and myself into the car for the short trip home.




Those memories are the ones I hold dearest to myself now. I play through those old reruns of the mind at will and transport myself back to that carefree time where Santa Claus climbed down the skylight and the stockings would be bursting full of wonderful toys and presents and of days of candy canes and puddings.


All my Grans and Great Uncles are all gone now, as is my precious Sister Catherine and with her, the chance for my kids to have cousins of their own to play with and so it is all down to the next Generation of my six pack tribe.

 My parents now live 1400 kilometres away from me as does my eldest daughter Krystal who is working and studying in Wollongong. They are flying up here this Christmas to spend two weeks with me and the children. You see I want to instill that same magic I enjoyed at Christmas as a child into my children and see the looks of joy and happiness and love and contentment on their faces. I want them to share the feeling of family and all that is really important in this world.

  Christmas isn't about the presents. That's a bonus I guess.....its about the magic, the love and most of all family.............

So what are your Chrismtas memories growing up and what does Christmas mean to you?



       

There's no snow today

its sun and its' bright skies

cos summer's here to stay

Santa wears a pair of speedo's

and rudolf reindeer skinnydips

and all the other reindeer

have 'roo tails for tips

down in the southern hemisphere

our Christmas time is so hot

the last thing you want to do

is to chow down on a hot pot

So dinner for us aussies

is salad and cold spread

washed down with enough beer

to want to wander off to bed

I love my dear Australia

it's a land far wide and free

a country full of contrasts

a summer christmas for me

If you come to my Australia

make sure you bring lots of beer

because we are so laid back

we spread around our good cheer

Dear World

My name is friggin Santa Claus

You had better get it right

I only come round once a year

In the middle of the night

 

I make toys for all the children

And for grown up kids as well

They all sit on Santa's knee

And whine and have a yell

 

Please Santa Claus I want a bike

I want a skateboard or two

Give me a brand new surfboard

It makes me want to spew

 
You always say that you've been good

But we both know different

remember behind the woodshed

and the friendly crabby's that I sent

 

I ho ho here, I ho ho there

And get fatter by the day

I smile and grin and wave a lot

And ignore what you have to say

 

You ask for gold and diamonds

I brings you socks and pants instead

You think your getting what you want

i bring you lumps of lead.

 

 

 

I haven't seen my toes in years

My bum scrapes on the ground

I wear a stupid red suit

And a sac that weighs a pound

 

 

I'm married to a bloomin' witch

They call her Mrs Claus

I'm always walking eggshells

She's always bangin' doors

 

She's mean an yells and stamps a lot

And gets rags on all the year

I love it when she gets that mad

She blows wind out from her rear

But she cooks me chocolate brownies

So I think I'll keep her around

And those delicious yummy pork chops

That make my belly face the ground

 

I've got some bloody reindeer

along with a very stupid one

They call him Rudolph red nose

I could just kick him up the bum

He gets into my woodshed

And leaves his shit in there

He sneaks into my rum room

and gets pissed as a polar bear

I'm sure the elves are growing weed

Out beyond the garden bed

They sneak out there for hours

And come back inside a bloodshot red

they spend their days in my workshop
and sleep the nights in my back shed
at the rate the lazy bastards work
the're lucky that they get fed

 

I party with the tooth fairy

the easter bunny comes to stay

I dig it when they come around

It means it's time to play

 

We go out to the stripper bar

To an igloo in the next town

the easter bunny buys the drinks

we all perve and skol it down

So if you hear Santa Coming

Cover the kiddies ears real tight

I'm off visiting with the girls next door

And spreading love and light

So to mums the whole world over

I have a message to send to you

If you fancy being in my bad books

Then don't clean the chimney flue

If you have a fire blazing hot

Make sure I've somewhere to land

Cos if I burn my feet one more time

I won't be capable to stand

I'm sick of milk and cookies

They just pour out my bum

I demand some care and quality

Please leave out the top shelf rum

If You don't have a chimney

Please don't lock the blasted door

You don't really expect Santa Claus

To climb up through the kitchen floor

And if you are hot and single

Please turn on the bedside light

Because Santa wants to visit you

And stay right through the night

 

I'm sorry this poem's an epic

But it's all in fun and free

The magic that is Christmas

This is my gift for you to see!!