01:38 PM - I Made Him Join The Priesthood
Category: Writing and Poetry
In
my second year of high school I had a maths teacher, who was the
endless source of amusement for me. I was a terror back then with a
strong sense of social justice which made for some rebellious acts
against the "system" even then.
To
describe Mr. Gaunt to you is a tad difficult. My only description of
him gets rather confused because every time I think of Mr. Gaunt, Mr.
Bean pops into my head and I crack up laughing. To this day I can not
differentiate between the two. I am telling you now, Rowan Atkinson
modeled Mr. Bean from My Mr. Gaunt.

I
had always been put in the top class but I hated it. My friends were in
the lower graded classes and the other kids in my class were stuck up
snobs. So I made it my mission to be put in the lower classes with my
friends. Hence not long after the start of my mission I was moved down
into Mr. Gaunts lower math class with all the cool people and all my
friends.
There was only one problem with that.
Mr. Gaunt was stuck teaching the lower classes because he was well, Mr. Beanlike dumb.

He
wore long socks, long shorts with a short sleeved shirt and tie and I
really think his face was more Mr. Beanlike than Mr. Bean. He was a
confirmed bachelor who lived in a tiny flat and the thought of him with
a woman was the source of many laughter outburst by my friends and
myself in class. Mind you he didn't rate as high on the idiot scale as Mr. Freame, the Latin master but Mr. Freame and my detention stories are still to come.
Mr.
Gaunt had no control over the class. He would turn to us and ask us if
we thought we should have a math's test the next week. Well hey, back
then everything had been sorted into lots of life already. He was
asking every potential deviant over the years to come in our home if we
WANTED a math test? Somehow we managed to persuade him every week that we were not quite ready.
Mr.
Gaunt had many peculiarities other than having his shorts hitched up to
his ribcage and a way of walking that at best could be described as Emu
Like. He had a weird habit of waiting until we were all seated quietly
in the class before making his entrance and he would EMU into the room
and up to his desk, pulling his chair out and turning it to face the
class. Then he would stand behind it and swing a leg over it, placing
his foot on the seating part and begin rocking it back and forward
leaning on his knee as he talked. He would proceed to waffle on for
forty minutes about nothing. Or preach sermons on the greatness of
math. Coming from a class where we actually did math, this was all new
to me but got boring real quick. It seemed to drone on worse than the
minister on Sundays, day after day, week after week.
One
day it got too much for the imp in me. I waited until everyone was in
class and watched Mr. Gaunt EMU his way up the corridor and then I made
my entrance. I EMUED, myself along the corridor past the tiny glass
windows and into the classroom and the rest of the class burst out
laughing at me as soon as they saw me. They were used to my imitations
and I had my Mr. Gaunt act down pat by this stage. Before I even got to
my desk he called to me so I got to my seat and pulled it out as I
threw my bag down and swung my leg over the back of it in an exact
imitation of his own daily morning ritualistic actions.
"Yes
Mr. Gaunt, present and accounted for Sir." I said with a cheeky grin on
my face as the rest of the class sat in silent anticipation of what was
to come.
"You are late young lady" He said pointing his finger at me and puffing his chest out.

I
pointed my finger right back. "So I am sir" I took at deep breath and
stood there grinning with my own puny chest puffed out too.
He started rocking his chair back and forth as he did when he got nervous.
"If everyone was late we wouldn't have a class" He said, his hand still pointing at me.
My
hand still pointed at him and my own chair started rocking in time with
his. "It's not like I missed anything important sir".
At
that point he dropped his arm across his knee and kept rocking, just
staring at me. I had shocked him. He was speechless. His mouth opened
and closed like a fish.

I stood there silent too, my own hand now dropped into position to match his and I watched him as I rocked in time to him.
"That is beside the point." he exploded. "You are supposed to be here present in the class to get an education"
One of the other kids spoke up at that point. He was one of the sporty kids that I didn't have much to do with.
"Well Mr. Gaunt, it is the point really. You never teach us anything. You just stand there preaching all lesson".
A
voice from the back of the class piped up with "and swings on his chair
all day doing it". That set everyone off. The whole class started
laughing out loud, letting go of all the tension build up from the
confrontation.

Mr.
Gaunt started shaking as his face turned bright purple. I was still
rocking in time with his motions and he turned to me, pointed and said
"YOU!!! outside in the corridor now, everyone else silence" He stepped off his char and went and stood uncomfortably behind his desk.
I
pointed back again and stepped off my chair in time with him. "Yes sir,
at your command". The hum started around me as I stepped into the aisle
and EMUED my way to the front of the class. It got louder as all the
class took it up and I stepped out into the corridor where the door was
ajar and I could see in.
The
moment I stepped out the hum stopped. It was our thing, our little call
of unity when one of us got into trouble to let them know it was ok and
everyone was behind them.
I
stood against the wall for a minute cursing myself for not grabbing my
bag with my cigarettes in it. As I debated walking back in and grabbing
my bag I pulled out a lump from my pocket. It was my little round grey
plastecine ball (like play dough) . I always had it in my pocket to
keep my self busy while Mr. Gaunt droned on day after day. I stated
modeling shapes and then sticking them on the door where the rest of
the kids could see them but Mr. Gaunt couldn't. Each new creation
bought a fit of stifled giggles as they tried to keep straight faces
and pretend they were absorbed in his speech.
By
now he was lecturing again on how if we all learned our math we could
become rocket scientists and accountants. I, being me, of course began
to model the obvious shape. A penis and balls. I carefully arranged
them into a shape that looked a bit like a face and then revealed to
the class what I had created on the door.
They
erupted into a fit of laughter again. All of them were in hysterics,
not so much by the "penis and balls" concept, but at the positioning
because they could see what was going to happen next…. And it did…….
Classically…..
By
this time I was innocently standing on the other side of the corridor
minding my own business. When the class erupted into giggles, Mr. Gaunt
EMUED his way over to the door and threw it open yelling as he did so,
"What is going on out here".
The
class lost it at this point and absolutely squealed with laughter
because what Mr. Gaunt didn't realize was, that as he opened the door
my new molded shape was dangling right in front of his mouth.

Suddenly
he looked down and saw it in horror. He froze and then screamed himself
and went running off down the corridor which made everyone crack up
even more. Just then the bell rang for end of class. Everyone was still
laughing as they made their way out. We didn't see Mr. Gaunt around the
school for a week or so after that and things were never the same but
that was a good thing.
We
got a new maths teacher who actually taught Math. A few weeks later,
Mr. Gaunt left teaching and joined the priesthood. No I am not joking
he seriously did join the priethood and that made perfect sense to me
because he didn't cut it as a teacher…. And as for me.. I am always in
trouble… just the depth varies